Exclusive: Assad writes letter to Netanyahu

Bibileh, whats up man? Long time no see! Well, eh, we don’t really see eye to eye, but hey, you get the point, right?

I’ve been quite busy here in Syria the last couple of years, those pesky people I rule over have these most extraordinary ideas that they want to elect their leaders and have a say. LOL! They must have overdosed on caffe latte in the swanky coffee houses on Edgware road, or Champs Elysees or wherever it is that they are getting these risible ideas. Well, we have made sure to knock some sense into them, literally speaking. And not only that, but I managed to sway international leaders that it is much better I remain in control.

How I did it? Well Bibileh, here is where you get it wrong time and again. You see, while you guys keep mouthing the soundbites the West wants to hear, like supporting human rights, respecting international Law and what not, we here in Syria believe actions speak louder than words. You just have to know how to stir the pot.

You see, for years under developed and wonderfully corrupt ME, Asian and African countries have exported millions of people to the European Union, the US and other more functional countries in the world. Of course, with the brainwashing they got at home before PLUS the innate hostility they will find in the natives of their adopted countries will make them singularly unfit for integration, feeding their feeling of entitlement. And rage.  And hey, presto, you have got yourself a nice little pot to stir as needed. It really has come in very handy. Now my little touch of genius to make those squeamish Westerners throw away all their moral concerns and hang ups on international Law, whatever that might be: I rattled the cage of intra-muslim hate. I asked the Shias in Iran and Lebanon to intervene, knowing full well that this would rile the Saudi funded al Qaeda and their ilk and create the perfect little time bomb… Which I have exploited to the best of my abilities. Now I have the Westerners shaking in their pants, fearing how their own citizens are going to come back after graduating from furious Islamic boot camp in Syria.

I must admit, Bibileh, I just don’t get your fair play approach. Nobody gives a rats arse about those funny looking dudes with curly side locks who demand to be living on those dusty hilltops outside Jerusalem. So what if they have a little gun tucked away in their belt, they still do not stir fear like the really apeshit crazy guys I have teased out of their fox holes. I mean, if you are going to do it, then do it properly. Gas your own people. Bomb them to smithereens, create havoc in your neighboring countries. Starve the Palestinians to death and get them to murder each other. Then you threaten to throw the keys to the rag heads that have flown in from Oslo, London, Stockholm, Paris. The ones who actually believe there is a cause to be fought for in all of this shit. That’s how you do it. Thats how you are going to get respect and diplomats scurrying to and fro. To please you. And to ensure that you will remain in your position as the Big Boss. Thats how you get them to rubbish the risible idea of democratic elections. Here? In this wild wild Middle East? Hah, the only choice on offer is me or me! My wench is out shopping for the big party we are going to throw next week or so.

I almost feel bad that the political circumstances make it difficult for me to invite you. I’d loved to have you here as my guest, or perhaps as my little apprentice. But you see, I need you in another role a little while longer. We need a scape goat. And you just fit the bill perfectly. Because after all the mess I have made here, I need something to distract my people and the foreign guests who are here in the belief that they are going to jump start the Caliphate. When it dawns on them that I aint going nowhere, they are going to be a wee bit exercised about it, and I just don’t want the whole thing to blow up in my face. So, I have just got to push the idea thats the Jews who’ve dunnit. Ah it probably won’t amount to much. A bit of boycott here and there, the odd suicide bomber or just regular bombs. We’ll try to keep it nice and neighborly. But it is an opportunity too good to pass up; We just happen to have the Jews as neighbors and after all, we have carefully cultivated the idea that you guys are guilty as charged. Whatever. Hahahah, you probably wish you had some Jews to blame it on when things get a bit hot over there. Well, you can’t have everything you know.

Well this has been awfully nice Bibileh, but got to leave you for now. Ah, and by the way. Thanks for all the efforts for stitching up my underlings as they have crawled over to your side of the fence to get help. We will all remember your kind neighborly disposition when we parade their corpses through town on my crowning night. They will just be the proof we all need to show that justice was done and that we can put the whole thing behind us an move on. Really, I must say, it is awfully kind of you to have given us also this, the Jews to blame it all on.

Cheerio. must go, got a plane to catch to Switzerland, I think skiing will be good.

Bashar

2 comments for “Exclusive: Assad writes letter to Netanyahu

  1. : )
    January 21, 2014 at 3:38 am

    Did Assad get Sissel Wold to write his letter to bibi McG? It does sound like her thinking:

    http://www.nrk.no/ytring/tyrannen-assad-har-blitt-en-partner-1.11478982

    New SyriaGaza? Sissel Wold seems to think its better to hand over power to people in action, than to people that might do mistakes in their way forward.

    This one from Jerusalem Center Public affairs is informativ:
    http://jcpa.org/why-israel-opposes-international-forces-in-the-jordan-valley/

  2. martin
    January 26, 2014 at 4:18 pm

    Love the realistic story Prof. you summed it up perfectly = naturally.

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